Truth, Manifestation, and Delusion, Girl!
He loves me, he loves me not...
Love is in the cards for me this year.
I keep telling myself this. I attempt to behave as though it were true. I cast spells and scribble in my journal. The past several months have seen me through romantic fantasies intertwined with reality in a nauseatingly, dizzyingly lovely collusion. I am seasick with delusion and loneliness and deliverance and want. I know what I want. I know what I have. I have no idea what I have. What I want wants me, I have what I want, or perhaps neither of the above in fact. Perhaps, plain and simple, what I want has me and that is all. And that is not enough!
I want to believe in the mystical power of manifestation even though I chafe against it morally and logically. I recognize the confirmation bias behind it. At the same time, I also recognize the clear psychological evidence that slight cognitive shifts can have on one’s behavior and others’ responses to it; multiple therapeutic modalities like CBT put this into practice in their own way. Now, after years of exploring manifestation and my sometimes overwhelmingly intense intuition, I have landed on a manifestation practice that satisfies me.
First, let me say affirmations piss me off. When I try to recite them, a voice in my head negates the words as soon as they leave my mouth. According to the Law of Attraction, this means I am standing in my own way. Right.
I take issue with the Law of Attraction because of its victim-blaming, systemic injustice-validating implications. It seems to say, If your life is a bummer, if you have not succeeded in manifesting what you want, you simply are not trying hard enough. You simply did the manifestation wrong. You simply do not believe. It breeds spiritual psychosis as easily as rabbits in heat. Sometimes when I scroll through Pinterest comments, I can immediately tell when someone (most likely a teenage girl) is practicing the Law of Attraction by commenting self-centered declarations on aspirational images. “This is what my body looks like,” one says under a photo of Bella Hadid or a faceless, emaciated proana thinspo pic. “I have the same hair,” another says under a photo of a woman with a perfect, bouncy, butt-length blowout. It is both disappointing and unsurprising that we most often try to manifest in the limited areas of beauty, thinness, money, and romance.
I assume the Law of Attraction and other manifestation techniques most appeal to (and are most targeted at on social media) the types of people who feel helpless to changing their life circumstances. People who lack control in their lives. It is no wonder, then, that teenage girls and young women like myself seek out and latch onto manifestation practices. Deprived of autonomy in many aspects, often unable to afford the means of improving our quality of life, socialized to behave demurely and not ask for much, conditioned to accept poor treatment from men—why shun the potential life-altering power of our own psyches to get what we want? No one can take our minds from us. Well, I suppose they can: lobotomy, overprescribed (or underprescribed) medication, the Beauty Myth, gaslighting, insufficient medical care, constant stress, etc. But as long as we have our minds, so help us if we do not try to use them. Unfortunately they do not always work in our favor.
Though maturation and experience have led me to the manifestation technique I developed for myself, I know I am not exempt from the limitations and failures of other such techniques. However—and this is a key element of the technique I am about to describe—you and I are not obligated to “manifest” anything. Choosing not to practice any sort of manifestation does not mean your life will become static and nothing will manifest at all. Do not let the OCD/anxiety/paranoia tell you otherwise.
In fact, if you do not read anything beyond this point, let this be your takeaway:
You do not have to do anything to get what you want. You do not even have to get what you want.
My manifestation technique can be broken down twofold. Part I: practicing hope. For myself, I define hope as an awareness I can be OK beyond whatever hardship or obstacle I face. An awareness of the possibilities that exist, including possibilities I have yet to imagine or understand. It is a humble recognition of the vast, intricate universe and my minuscule place in it. However, this does not negate the power we each possess, which is what makes up Part II: autonomy.
Part I
So I have opened myself up to the possibilities of wish fulfillment. Sort of like the Rolling Stones song: “You can’t always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, you just might find / You get what you need.” Except I would replace the word “need.” To be more precise, you still get what you want, but it is not what you wanted to begin with.
Maybe you never knew it existed or had never considered the possibility of having it in your life. For example, some people grow up really, really wanting to get married, assuming it will be to someone of the opposite gender, only to realize they are gay/queer and want to marry someone of the same gender. The hetero partnership would not have worked out for them after all, and now they no longer want it. Some of them grew up not knowing same-gender relationships were possible, while others simply never considered the possibility for themselves. Imagine you were one of those people (and maybe you are!) and you spent all your time and energy manifesting a perfect spouse of the opposite gender into your life. Maybe you get what you want: the perfect husband/wife. But it never fulfills you, at least not the way a spouse of the opposite gender would, so really your manifestation failed even as it succeeded. Or, no spouse arrives at all, so you figure you failed your manifestation practices. Or maybe you grow up and realize you would like to live alone, not married, after all. Regardless, the typical manifestor’s narrative is not helpful here.
Rather, we can embrace a mindset shift to appreciate the expansiveness of what has yet to come. The unknown is full of opportunity. We can only anticipate so much. I have no idea all of the people and places and feelings I will discover and love in my lifetime. I know they will come regardless. I do not have to lift a finger. That might sound like some woo-woo, Divine Feminine energy, “I don’t chase, I attract” bullshit, but actually it is simply the truth. Whatever is coming to me is coming to me. There is more to come in the future.
Maybe I have an idea or instinct of what I want, though. I can move toward it. It might be a good idea to put in some effort to move toward it rather than become apathetic and inert, but I absolutely must be open to the awareness that it might not be what I expect. I must be open to the awareness that there are other options out there that might fulfill my wishes instead. I do not mean compromising on your desires. I mean discovering you desire something else equally as much or more.
It is also true that our wants can change over time. Some people wake up one day ten years into a happy marriage to their high school sweetheart to realize they do not want this anymore. Nothing went wrong and their expectations might not have been inaccurate; they are indeed living the life they always wanted. Only now, they do not want it anymore. It happens. We have to be open to the awareness that our wants are not the be-all-end-all.
One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is become agitated and desperate when our desires fail to manifest. Your crush moves away. Your dream school rejects you. You stay broke. It is not your fault. And it is not your only shot at receiving/achieving what you desire. Grieve, get angry, but let it pass. I believe when we are desperate to have something the way we want, it is less likely to come to fruition. Desperation is not a shameful state to be in, of course; people starving in a famine are probably going to be in a state of desperation and it has nothing to do with them needing to make a ~mindset shift~. We are allowed to want what we want. But at the same time, someone suffering from acute hunger will probably not reject food simply because it is not the exact dish they are craving. I do not mean you have to accept the equivalent of food that is rotten and inedible. Rather, you can accept satisfaction may come from many sources. A less extreme example: I was craving Hawaiian food, failed to get it before they closed for the day, got upset for a minute, then ate cold leftovers while cracking up with my mom at the dinner table. My satisfaction came from somewhere else that day. I could have gotten mad, refused to eat, and locked myself in my room for the night. That is OK, I suppose, but I could instead make other choices and I could be happy with them too.
Part II
I am master of my own destiny. Not at the mercy of others. Not completely.
This stance might seem contradictory to Part I—did I not just quote the Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want”? Well, yes. Nevertheless, I believe the two parts go hand-in-hand.
We all have some level of autonomy over ourselves and our lives. Again, this is not an opinion but the self-evident truth. It does not mean we are all responsible for the shitty conditions of our lives. No. Someone on the sidewalk getting plowed over by a car is not responsible for their own injuries, nor is someone who dies in a bombing—or a prison fire or a torture chamber or whatever other horrific circumstance you can imagine—responsible for their death. I could go on listing examples, but we should all be on the same page about this, yes? We have some autonomy. Not total autonomy, but some. We cannot control everything. But we can control some parts of our lives, some of our actions, and thus, some of our outcomes.
That is what I mean by master of my own destiny. I imagine myself embodying the energy of The Magician in tarot, Major Arcana card number I. In practice, this can look like speaking up and expressing my opinions, quitting and canceling when I want, making art, spending money on pursuits I deem worthy, etc. Again, this only applies when I have the ability to do so without fear of serious consequence. I understand it does not apply in all situations or in the same situations for all people.
The key to this aspect of manifestation is clear communication in all areas, to all parties (others, the universe, ourselves). The Magician merely communicates what she wants. Spellwork is an intentional craft. No denying what the goal is. That requires some clarity of mind. If I am confused and indecisive about a matter, I likely will not direct my energy (time, effort, money, etc.) toward it clearly and intentionally. If I cannot decide what I want to do for a living, for example, none of the options I am considering are likely to manifest until I have made up my mind to move toward it. Alternatively, I could direct my energy toward deciding what to do for a living. Manifesting a decision rather than a career path. We have to be intentional about where we set our intentions.
Communication comes in the form of conscious actions, words, thoughts, and unconscious behaviors. Aligning them is powerful. That is why, I believe, you dream about having the thing you want when you are on the path toward it; your subconscious/unsconscious minds are aligning with your conscious mind. This can happen when you tie your conscious thoughts to intentional actions and behaviors. The way you carry yourself through the world. Who and what you choose to surround yourself with. It all matters. These are the areas where we have a choice.
Choice is important. I realized recently I have the power and self-determination to choose whether or not I want a romantic relationship. I do not have to be bossed around by my wants. I do not have to fall in love simply because I got lucky (or unlucky, depending on your viewpoint) and got the chance. I do not have to enter into a romantic relationship with someone simply because the tarot cards say it will happen and my intuition tells me it is true, they return my feelings. I mean, I desire a romantic relationship with them, yes, but do I think it would be a good, enriching addition to my life? Am I falling into it or am I stepping into it? That mindset shift is important. We have autonomy.
After really thinking on it for a few days, I decided yes. I choose not only what I desire but what I think is good for me when it comes to a romantic relationship. I am open to it now. However, I accept it might not happen. I accept I might enter into a romantic relationship with someone else, or my relationship with this person might strengthen in a different capacity. But because I decided I want to enter into a romantic relationship, there are certain things I can do to bring myself toward it. Like being open and honest about my desire for a partner. Like talking about it as though it were possible, not some self-loathing, stressful pursuit. The mere fact I have made up my mind about wanting it already clarifies the way I carry myself through the world and where my thoughts go.
So love is in the cards for me this year. It might not be the card I play, but there are hearts in the deck, and I have hope.
Let me know if this was helpful.